Hey Mofos!

F Fibroids and everything they stand for period. F everybody that has no idea what a woman dealing with fibroids goes thru and making pregnancy assumptions and on and on. If you are utterly confused about what fibroids are, then read more here. 

What's wrong with you Meik????

I'm glad you asked! I'm fed up. 

If you recall in 2013 I had a myomectomy for fibroids which led to the nerve damage in my leg. Fast forward to 2020--them mofos returned. I swear I didn't leave the welcome mat out, but they have camped out in my and on my uterus making themselves at home, draining my iron and well.. I'm not going into that story either.. read it here.  

But I'm not about to go into my medical history here--what I do want to address is the mental anguish that one goes thru with this ish. 

I've been working with a dietician, working out, all the things you're supposed to do and my stomach keeps expanding. I know it's the fibroids causing bloating and everything else because the uterus is larger than it should be. Hell the first time I had fibroids, my uterus was the size of someone that was 5 or 6 months pregnant. This time, it's not AS big, but it's still outchea.  I was at an event a few weeks ago, not realizing the more stressed I was getting, the more my stomach kept bloating--weird, but it does that. I hate wearing dresses because of my stomach, but I pushed that fear aside and thought I was cute..only for someone to walk up to me during intermission and ask if I was pregnant. Knocking down any ounce of self esteem I had built up for myself before I left the house in that outfit. 

I went thru about 50'levum emotions and wanting to run and hide was at the top of the list. First of all, you don't ask someone if they are pregnant. If they are and they want you to know, they will tell you. This even reminds me of another event a few years ago, I posted a photo on social media and the first thing a guy said (notice it's always the dumb ass men) was that I looked like I had been eating a ton. 

Now, if you have ever been out to eat with me, you already know I barely eat as it is so no, I was not eating a ton but even if I was, that's not for a mofo to point out! RUDE. 

I realized thru my EFT Tapping that these fibroids have literally had me hiding behind them for years. Every guy I dated put me down-- but in my head, that's okay, I'm fat cuz of fibroids, so I get it. Each one constantly commented on my weight--making me feel like I was never good enough, pretty enough, and then they would never commit. Spoiler alert-- they didn't and I wasted my time for years with this last one but that's another story.  I took that on as my burden to bear that I deserved to be treated like that because fibroids (ok well that ill-skilled doctor), my leg, and anything else I could come up with.  (WROOOOONG--thank gawd for healing and therapy). One even told me I was shaped funny before I even knew I had fibroids. That comment never left, it just got louder in my head. All of their comments became who I was. Scared and convinced that nobody would want me if I was fat. Let's not even get into the fact that I haven't worn heels really since 2013, but mofos be so loud on social media and in person about how their woman MUST wear heels and must have this length of hair and you get the point. My hair was coming out, and all the other issues that the anemia I had developed thanks to the fibroids were wreaking havoc on me.  I was failing in all those areas. 

Meeting new people would freak me out sometimes because I wondered if they are thinking why is her stomach so big and the rest of her isn't? IS she pregnant? WHAT IS GOING ON?! 

I started to self-sabotage because I couldn't handle the thought of someone asking me anything, even on-air job opportunities.  I just hid, behind these fibroids.  So why am I talking about this? My EFT practitioner told me I need to own the story and not to let the fibroids run it anymore. 

So.. no more hiding. F THOSE FIBROIDS. 

With or without fibroids, I'm me. I'm the one interviewing your favs, I'm the one writing some of the articles you are reading, running this blog and writing it, working a jobby job, and putting myself back out there in the dating world. I've gotten my confidence back, building it one brick at a time over the years, there are still those days where my stomach has me so uncomfortable that I'm ready to remove the fibroids my damn self. But here's what I know, these fibroids don't run my damn life--I run it. They just happen to be inside of me for the time being. These fibroids don't determine my worthiness, nor do they dictate if I would make a great wife or step mammy. I'm still me. These extra pounds and the number on the scale don't determine if I'm good enough or if I'm talented, or even if I'm worth being in a relationship with. I also am working on ignoring the chatter and the rudeness of those that don't know any better. I can't let people's opinions get in my head. Check the Rhymes needs me and I need it, so there's no room for so and so thinks this or that. F YO OPINION! If a guy can't accept this is how I look right now.. f him too. hell. 

When I get these broids removed.. It's over for you hoes! LOL Imma be out here in crop tops all year round LOL. Just kidding.. or am I?

Anyway, I just hope this encourages others that may be dealing with fibroids and the mental gymnastics it does. Keep your head up sis. We got this! And for everybody else, you never know what people are dealing with-- don't assume ish. 

~Meik