The minute I decide to emerge from my wanna-be-a socialite retirement, I run back screaming and banging on the door to get back to my solitude.

Why, you ask?

It’s clear to me that in 2009, chivalry and all that comes with it has died an agonizing death. Rather than go through the “men don’t do this and men don’t do that anymore” routine, I decided they don’t want to hear it and frankly, I don’t have the patience to write it.

But today’s discussion is one that’s near and dear to my heart and I just might need to teach a class on this so fellas: pay attention because this is going go kind of fast.

Ladies, how many times have you gone to the grocery store, the club, bar, gas station, hell, damn near anywhere and run into guys that are acquaintances, homeboys, ex-boo’s, ex-jumpoffs or whatever you want to call it.

You may walk up to them to get their attention, tap them gently on the shoulder, or arm, or as one of my friends likes to do, cusp his elbow, and then as these mofos turn around, they give you a series of hand slaps, clasps, dap, a pound, chest bump, and one to damn grow on. Then you’re left standing there thinking what just freaking happened?

Blink.

Blink.

Blink.

Now, I don’t know about most of you ladies out there in the world wide web, but I define myself as a lady. As a lady, I DEMAND respect. It’s one thing if you have that type of relationship with the guy for him to come at you like that, but if that type of thing hasn’t been established, then I EXPECT the man to respect my flow and greet me the way a woman should be greeted.
Now some of you are sitting there scratching your heads wondering “well, what’s wrong with the dap, pound, fist bump and all that other hand jive ish?”

If you have to ask, then I need you to think back to what your mama taught you, then holla back at me.

Fellas, unless the female is your tom-boyish play cousin, I fail to realize how greeting her like you would your male counterparts is cute or remotely attractive. You with your big ass man hands throwing a pound or dap to a dainty hand just seems all kinds of wrong to me. (Of course I haven’t forgotten the infamous Obama fist bump, but this isn’t about them and they have that type of relationship and this is my ish so let’s move on.)

Don’t get me wrong, there are many ways to greet people but this here is my blog and I’m going tell you some acceptable greetings in MY world:

1. A friendly church hug does wonders. It’s not too personal and it’s not too rough, it’s just right. (As long as some of you nasty asses aren’t trying to cop a feel).

2. A kiss on the cheek. (Gently fellas! If you are a true gentleman, ladies man or whatever, you know how to do it, and just please make sure you don’t have that crusty dry skin hanging off the middle part of your lip, we don’t want our cheeks to get scratched to hell.)

3. A handshake, not too firm fellas! Remember, we’re not your male counterparts (now here’s where you might want to take a step back and examine the female, if she’s a little butch like, she might be able to take a good firm bone crushing hand shake.)

4. A light kiss on the hands. (I hate to bring this up when I’m trying hard to be uplifting and encouraging, but if you have some stank salvia or food particles in your mouth; then I really need for you to just resort to a different method. Please and thanks.)

5. If all else fails, a smile and a hello are simple enough. No need to complicate things when you don’t have to.

Lesson Learned: Save the dap, pound, chest bumping and hand jiving ish for your crew. A lady should be treated like a lady and if you don’t know how to do it, then I really need for you to check out an oldie but goodie, “Treat Her Like a Lady” by the Temptations. Ladies, DEMAND respect, if you don’t like getting daps and pounds, make it known. Hey if those of you out there think its fine, do you.One thing I do know for sure is, the next one to step to me with all the hand gestures, will probably find themselves as the headliner in the Mofo Chronicles.